Thursday, August 3, 2017

August 3, 2017

Dear Diary,

Even though I was always taught not to enjoy other people's misfortunes, I have to admit I'm a bit tickled about Carrot Head trying to plug all those leaks gushing out from his court the White House. This guy can't fart without someone sending the memo to the mainstream media, which just shows what a mistake all those American retards voters made during the you-know-what.

Oh, he talks a tough game, but when push comes to shove, Carrot Head is all hat and no cattle. I can tell you this much: If I were queen in charge, you wouldn't see one leak coming from my hostages staff. That's what body bags are for, if you get my meaning. When I was running the show, we had to buy them in bulk.

Controlling sensitive matters isn't a mystery. You just need a system and a plan. Then you have to know what to say and to whom. I used several phrases with Podesta, like "Can you take care of this?" "How can you make this go away?" and my all-time favorite, "What the fuck am I paying you for?"

Podesta was impossible. No matter what you needed from him, you'd have to catch him before lunch, because he was always a three-martini guy, and they were apple martinis, which are SO gay.  By two o'clock, he'd be so sloshed I usually had to pull his face out of the soup bowl to wake him up. Then I'd slap his face a few times and hand him a list of names and point my finger with my thumb up and tell him, "You make bang-bang, okay?"  We had to talk in code because I wanted to stay out of jail I'm very important and these were high-level discussions.

The most important part of controlling leaks is never putting anything in writing. I learned a lot about that from watching the Sopranos. I'd ask Debbie Wasserman-Schultz, "So what about that thing?" And she'd say, "You mean that thing in Washington DC? Yeah, I took care of it."  I know it seems a little dramatic, but you sure don't see Seth Rich prancing around Washington D.C., selling stories to the press, now do you?

See, this was what I was talking about when I said that Carrot Head wasn't prepared for office. You not only have to know who to kill hire the right victims people, you have to know how to dispose of the bodies manage them, too.

Bessie never steps out of line. She serves me lunch and changes my sheets no mater how many skid marks I leave. And she never complains. You know why? Because I know how to cultivate loyalty. I also know where every one of her relatives live in Haiti.

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