Sunday, August 6, 2017

August 6, 2017

Dear Diary,

Even though Dr. Morell won't let me out to go to church, I love Sundays. I enjoy the peace and quiet and the gentle buzzing in my ears that Dr. Morell says is probably a side effect of the Lorazepam. It gives me time to stop and think about who I'd like to kill what I'd like to do next.

People don't believe me when I tell them I keep a Bible on my nightstand, but I do.  It's right there, in between the Xanax and the Ambien. I find it comforting to leaf through the stories of the Old Testament, as opposed to the New Testament where it's always Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.  Four different gospels written by four different non-women all telling the same story about the same person.

Enough already with the Jesus. We get it.

The Old Testament has lots more characters with all kinds of terrific stories about murder, theft and incest from which we can all learn. It's like a book version of the Lifetime Channel. It also has more than a few women murderers heroines with tales of their own, written long before there were any affirmative action programs, although my all time favorite is the one about Job. I like the Book of Job because no matter what hard he tries, he always gets screwed. I mean this guy gets hosed time after time and keeps coming back for more punishment. Such a loser. Reminds me a lot of Paul Ryan, only without the PX90 routine.

I think more people should read the Bible. I know Carrot Head does, because there was some kind of kerfuffle about his study group in the palace White House the other day. Personally, I don't know which version he's reading, but I remember the only parts Obama and his "questionable" friends ever read was the juicy stuff about Sodom and Gomorrah and all those Biblical revelations about fathers sleeping with their daughters. Those passages were practically a step-by-step instruction book for PizzaGate. I told them not to use a pizza franchise as a front for the procurement of young boys.  I thought a lube and oil shop was more clever, but by that time, Kerry had taken over at State and nobody would return my calls.

Sometimes I feel like a human version of the Bible. I'm an unconvicted felon a paragon of virtue, available for all to admire. Yet nobody wants to kneel down and worship me consult me on loftier issues. It's too bad, because I know all the good, the bad and the loopholes.  For example, that part in Leviticus forbids "a man to lie with another man," but it doesn't say anything about women lying with other women. Yummy.

I miss Huma.

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