Thursday, August 10, 2017

August 10, 2017

Dear Diary,

With all that's going on in the world, I was happy to see Guam get back in the news this week. I've always loved Guam and the Guamese or whatever they're called. They're such happy little people and even though not one of them is white it isn't really a state, they still vote matter to me. After all, it shouldn't matter that the people of an American territory are short, dark or the leading supplier of mail order brides thousands of miles away from the mainland.

Until that fat little Kim person in North Korea started threatening to nuke it, nobody really knew too much about Guam. Of course I did, because at one point as Secretary of State, I visited there. It was supposed to be a rest stop on the way back from Japan, but you know how it can be on road trips. Bill was with me on that trip, and his prostate was acting up. He kept whining he "had to go" and wanted us to pull over. We had toilets on the plane, but he always makes a fuss about going number one because he thinks we're all listening at the door, which means it takes forever for him to start.

We finally landed in Guam, where Bill didn't take nearly as long in the bathroom as he did in the convenience store, where he loaded up on Slim Jims, Snickers bars, one or two blue Gatorades and a special pictorial issue of Biker Babes. Then he pulled the old "I forgot my wallet in the plane" ruse and asked me to expense the whole thing on my government Visa. I would have lent him the money but he always conveniently "forgets" to pay me back and Harvey, our Jew accountant, said we could deduct it as a travel expense.

From what I remember, Guam was actually a nice little island. The truth is that when we stopped there, I was so whacked out on Halcyon and apple martinis that the only memory that stands out was a pretty little intern named Inez that I tried to smuggle back home.  Firm little thing. She'd never heard of the Mile High club, but we fixed that somewhere over Oahu.

Most Americans don't know much about Guam because they don't teach that stuff in schools so much anymore. I suppose when you're teaching a kid how to figure out if they're a boy or a girl, there just isn't time for things like geography. You've got to know where the important things are, and in the big picture, I can see how Guam ranks way below a person's junk.

Good news: Dr. Morell says my lactose intolerance has cleared up! I can have cheese again!

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